Holidays!
Merry Christmas to all!!! And Happy Hannukah (sp??)!! And Happy Kwanzaa!
Even if it's a bit belated, and I don't really celebrate Christmas (or any of the other holidays around this time).^^; Today we tried to go to NYC to see the Christmas tree and all, but it was a huge disaster.^^; I'm too tired to get into much detail, but let's just say the next time someone suggests that we should separate from the person driving the damn car, I will personally knock that person out. Three hour wait, in the cold, jostled by everyone, and NO RIDE in sight.@_@ Terrible, I tell you. Good thing I kept myself distracted by acting silly.^^;
Ok, gonna go draw more now....
Blogger is an idiot
Well...I was writing this entry that was sort of...teenage-angsty, about how I'm trying my best to not get angry at people for dumb reasons, and not get depressed so easily, blah blah blah. I mentioned how I thought I had improved considerably from last year, but I wonder if anybody even noticed. Then I posed the rhetorical question: "Who the heck am I doing this for?" Let's see...then I believe I told off people who would answer that question with, "You're doing it for yourself of course," because I'm not. I argued that I was doing it because I see how my faults adversely affect people I find important, so if it weren't for them, and if it weren't for the fact that I cared about them, then I wouldn't be changing. I posed a second rhetorical question: "Why bother changing when you don't care about the opinons of others?" (Though I distinctly recall that the wording was totally different.)
I think after this I went on an angst fest, exploring the question of "making friends." I ripped off a quote from somewhere else about how these true friends leave footprints in your heart, but fortunately made fun of my uncreativity by adding, "or something" after that statement. Then I began to get clever, and I said that there's not enough surface area on my heart for an infinite amount of footprints, so sooner or later new ones would cover up the old ones. That was how I justified being in my sophomore year of college and still utterly without any close friends in my university. Realizing, of course, how pathetic this situation is, I next wondered if I ought to just "go nuts" and make tons and tons of friends so that I won't be able to devote a decent amount of time to any of them, but which will probably make me "happier." But of course I know I'm just saying that because I'm still idiotically clinging to the idea of a "special friend" and the belief that one person can't possibly have a large number of "true" friends. Because of that whole finite surface area in your heart deal, obviously.
At this point I decided that I ought to point out that *gasp* I'm not a saint, and that I sometimes prefer to talk to one of my close friends over the others, with the result of the poor others being put on a so-called "backburner." As if no one else ever does this. As if my friends have no lives besides me. As if they're as pathetic as I am, and would get all pissy and/or depressed if they called and I was out at a party. Hell, that's the sort of thing I would do. Other people have those things called lives, man. I'm the only idiot who'll wrap my existence around one person and then feel betrayed if they don't do the same. I've done it several times already. And now I've really got to tell myself, who the f*** is going to be dumb enough to do what I do? They're all so much smarter than I am because they can avoid exactly this situation. For all my big talk about how I "changed" up there, I can't change this most ridiculous of characteristics. THIS IS NOT A MANGA, SELF. THIS IS REAL LIFE. GET WITH IT ALREADY. GROW SOME GODDAMN SKIN.
Then finally I ended with some sort of pseudo-thoughtful, non-aggressive conclusion because I'm a big coward and I'm continuously afraid that I'll insult people and then they'll get mad at me. Because I have a knack of making myself think that every single argument I've ever been in with my friends is ALL MY FAULT, so it's probably a subconscious failsafe mechanism that prevents further conflict so I don't eventually guilt-trip myself to the point of suicide. Tada! You can tell you missed nothing by that last post disappearing into the black hole that is the net.
I can't imagine why people might call me bitter. But I think blogger eating my entry temporarily fried the whiny and wimpy portion of my brain, so it's nonexistent right now. Not to worry, I'll probably be back to my usual, clingy, naive self by tomorrow. In fact I can feel that part regenerating right now. I'd better post before its sensibilities are shocked and it makes me erase this all too amusing poke (stab?) at my personality.
Tadaima...
Except there's no one to say Okaeri at home.^^;
Well, I'm back...been back since Thursday night, but never worked up enough energy (?) to write a little something here. I need to get moving: call friends, figure out what to do with myself for the rest of the winter break (work at the library again?), think up a challenge for the Xmas 2003 Manga Project between myself and Majo...clean the damn house...@_@ I'm proud to say I did sort of start the last bit today, and now the bathroom sink doesn't look like no one's used it for 50 years, and the pantry/laundry room/kitty litter box location has a more or less recognizable floor. *pats self on back* But watch, it'll be nasty again tomorrow.
Currently listening to: NOTHING!;___; No CDs! No Matantei Loki Ragnarok OPs and EDs! Waaaah..... (I want a laptop...*sniffle*)
Currently drawing: Er...shamefully enough, nothing. Though I did doodle a 1 and 1/2 inch tall fire demon lord outfit concept on a piece of dad's scrap paper.... I should probably enlarge it, eh? Speaking of demons, anyone have any reference pics of a front view of someone embracing another person from behind? I need a pic like that badly.
Currently writing: Some weird, dark demon experiment/research thing. Lately I seem to be in an angst devouring mood. Angst or dark stuff. Give them to me....!! *makes scary face* Yeah...I don't know what it is either.0_o; Might be because I'm usually in a bad mood when I come home.^^;;
Currently needing the following manga: Inu Yasha (Sesshoumaru! Rin! Where are you two??? Oh, and let's not forget Jaken); Naruto (I wanna see more of that sweet, shy girl with the white eye ability...she totally rocks but I only know her Chinese name...;_; Speaking of rocks, more of Lee would be good. And I want to see the death of...of...the snake bad guy! Dang not knowing their Japanese names!); BASARA (WHY DO I ONLY HAVE VOLUMES 1-12, minus 8???); Meitantei Conan (cuz it's like, Conan. Yeah); Matantei Loki (cuz the anime explained zilch). I know I'm forgetting something.
Ok, enough of this nonsense.^^; I'll go...enlarge that outfit concept. Yeah. And think of a manga challenge. Majooooo...tasukete! What do you want to draw???
