Doyoubi no asa
I hope people realized that my last entry was written in a joking vein.^^; (You probably all did; I think I don't give people enough credit sometimes.)
Listening to "Hitori no Yoru" by Porno Graffiti, which is like, a totally awesome song. That along with "Melissa," which is next on the playlist. I hope this guy (group?) does more anime OPs, and that I find out about them, because I am shaping up to be a fan. Spent until 4:15ish yesterday night/this morning compiling data for our cowbird experiment. It was just so much copy/pasting, but it was so tedious because there were 3 different charts, and I kept messing up!>_< Should've convinced me that I ought to leave it for Saturaday morning with light outside, but a part of my brain has already determined that I was supposed to finish this stuff by Friday night (or Saturaday morning w/o light outside), so I did not allow myself to sleep.^^; After I was done, all I got to hightlight out on my assignment pad was a measly 3 words (namely, "compare/compile data")! I felt like I ought to be highlighting at least 10 lines of stuff. But oh well.
And now I'm faced with a cr*pload of work, but after last night all I want to do now is write or color something with those pretty prismacolor pencils that I never got a chance to use after I bought them (pathetic, no?). Actually, maybe I should eat some breakfast first. Now there's a concept.
My life is pretty mundane.^^; I am neither depressed nor particularly introspective, though occasionally I get ranty about the state of the world, and then I find that people tend to avoid me when I'm in the latter mood. I don't drink, I don't party, I just kinda do work all day, and stick in some writing/drawing/reading whenever I can. I find having friends far more important than having some random boyfriend, and as a corollary to that I don't find a lot of guys good-looking (my standards are *WAY* too high, I think I'll be single for life). I wonder if this makes me normal or a freak? (All I know is that this won't be TV/book/movie material, since apparently the criteria for that some form of very dramatic depression/disorder/sexsexsex/dysfunctional family syndrome. Oh, and the lack of money, a la Broke Diaries. But though I am poor, I am not poor enough to have it be funny.)
I love individuals but at the same time I find people as a whole unbearably insipid, shallow, idiotic, and dang, so short-sighted. I don't know if I'm any better than all that, but I try to be. I think a lot of individuals try to be, which might be why there are so many...non-conformists (is that what they're called?) in so many different ways. Subconsciously, there are those who want to break out of the mold created by the history of the human race, with all of its ugly mistakes and repeats of those ugly mistakes.
I want to be an animal behavioralist (look ma, no transition!), which suddenly brought a lot of opposition from my dad, who never used to care before. He wants me to be a doctor, because he's under the impression that if one is a doctor, then one must necessarily be successful and rich. The only way to be successful and rich in research is if you're a total genius, and according to him, I'm "not anything special"--i.e., I'm not smart enough to be good at (by that he means "get rich through") a career in research. He's become jaded and cannot (does not try) to see past the confines of old prejudices. I know he is somewhat racist in the sense that he defines a person by swooping generalizations ("Democrats have ugly handwriting," as a tame example) and definitely narrow-minded, and this grows clearer as I grow older. My father is not more-than-human, and I cannot set him up as a role model. I think this is sort of depressing, because you're supposed to look up to your dad, and I try to but everytime I do, I see in him what I don't want to be.
I want to save up money and eventually be able to support my parents, because I love my mom so much it hurts, and because I want to at least be able to respect my dad again, as a person not as a father. (Because right now my respect stems only from the fact that he is my father and not from his personality.) Maybe if I ease up the burden, he'll show me a glimpse of the man mom fell in love with.
I think I just flew in the face of that "nor particularly introspective" claim, huh.^^;;; Better stop, that just got really oppressive, and if you read through the entire thing, I congratulate you.0_o; (And tell me who you are via the commenting system! Yes yes, I am shameless.) Now, for breakfast! No wait, it's brunch.
posted by Yayoi @ 2/21/2004 11:16:00 AM
