春の光集めたら
花咲かせて... "Four Seasons" by Namie Amuro is so pretty and poetic.@_@ That's transliterated to "Haru no hikari atsumetara, hana sakasete," which should be (more or less) "If you gather the light of spring, flowers will bloom."
Going to see "Mystery of Edwin Drood" tonight at the Iron Gates Theatre and am both excited and stressed. I feel like I should be staying home and cramming, but as evidenced by the fact that I'm rambling here instead of working on orgo, it's practically a lost cause.@_@
I guess I just keep swimming, and hope I don't run into sharks.
僕たちは彷徨いながら (Even as we wander, lost)
生きて行く どこまでも (We keep living, where ever we go)
*le sigh*
.....little kids cover your eyes.
You know how a journal's supposed to be reflective of your thoughts and emotions as you're writing? Well, here are my thoughts and emotions right this very minute:
Fuck it. Fuck it all. Excuse my French but FUCK IT ALL.
Don't even ask what brought this on because I sure as hell don't know. I'm just PMSing at 20, ok? 2:51 AM in the morning growing fat on shrimp buns trying to do orgo and feeling like I need to burrow somewhere deep and far away from here.
It's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault, not even mine. I feel like blaming someone but there's no one really to blame because everyone's as selfish as I am, so we're all equally guilty. Or if you prefer, equally innocent.
This fucking semester needs to be over, that's all. There needs to be no more fucking orgo exams and cell bio exams ONE WEEK before fucking finals start, there needs to be no more stupid problem sets that I'll never catch up on during one measly weekend, there needs to be no more feeling bad because you waited for half a day to talk to someone but when they finally appear they're too tired to talk. Like what? Why should I be feeling bad? Is it my fault that the person's tired? Is it her fault? No and No. There needs to be no more feeling bad over dumbass reasons. There just needs to be me, and peace, and stress-free worry-free white paper with a filled mechanical pencil or blank screen with a blinking cursor so I can stretch my creative fingers without feeling like I'm committing the world's biggest fucking sin.
There. See, I can get over my fucking emotional problems on my fucking own. At least I'm not whining at just you (whoever you are), I'm whining at the whole world in general, which in the end means I'm whining at myself because the whole world isn't listening. Whoop dee doo I am so independent.
Why the hell is it such a freakin' virtue to whine at yourself and not at someone else anyway? Humans are social animals and guess what? That means we socialize, that means we communicate, that means we expect to be helped and we expect to return the help we were given.
You know what happens when you don't tell someone that they've upset you? You think the feeling goes away but it doesn't, oh no, it just sits in your heart, a little pebble. And then the next time that person does the same irritating thing unwittingly, you get another pebble lodged there. And another and another, getting angry at the person a little more easily each time, until one day you find youself utterly despising this person, the feeling this enormous boulder inside you, and he or she doesn't even know! I mean this was exactly what my freshman roommate did, and now she hates me and avoids me if we bump into each other and I try to say hi.
And gee, what'd I do to deserve such anger? Sure beats the heck out of me!
So you know what, all you people out there who think that keeping mum's the mature thing to do? Get over yourselves, because you're being total ASSES. You hurt yourself, you hurt others, and the damage is fucking irreparable. That roommate and I, maybe we could've been friends if I'd only known I was bugging her. But am I supposed to be telepathic?
I spent, you know, a good part of my life believing that there was something wrong with me, that arguments started because of me, that everything was my fault because I clearly had personality problems. Then I came to college and examined myself and suddenly it's like, "What personality problems?" I don't have any more or less of those than the person next to me. And in realizing that, in gaining confidence in myself, I've realized I have just as much right to tell someone else that they're wrong, that if I had been a jerk at such and such a time, chances are they had been too. It's like an epiphany, like *gasp* I am not always wrong! It's impossible because I'm an average human being, no more error prone than you, and there's no "perpetually wrong" gene.
So there. And now here's a "Seasons of Love," with my bad Chinese translations (yes, it is incredibly dumb. Corrections/better wording, all appreciated):
“Seasons of Love” (愛的季節) from Rent (租房金)
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes
五十二萬五千六百分鐘
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Moments So Dear
貴重的五十二萬五千六百分鐘
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes
五十二萬五千六百分鐘
How Do You Measure - Measure A Year?
要怎麽計算一年的時間？
In Daylights - In Sunsets
用日光，用日落
In Midnights - In Cups Of Coffee
用半夜，用喝過的咖啡？
In Inches - In Miles
用寸，用里
In Laughter - In Strife
用歡笑，用爭吵？
In - Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes
用五十二萬五千六百分鐘？
How Do You Measure A Year In The Life
要怎麽計算生命中的一年？
How About Love?
用愛如何？
How About Love?
用愛如何？
How About Love?
用愛如何？
Measure In Love
用愛來計算
Seasons Of Love
愛的季節
Seasons Of Love
愛的季節
SOLOIST #1
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes
五十二萬五千六百分鐘
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Journeys To Plan
五十二萬五千個需要計劃的旅程。
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes
五十二萬五千六百分鐘
How Do You Measure The Life Of A Woman Or A Man?
要怎麽計算一個女人或男人的生活？
SOLOIST #2
In Truths That She Learned
用她領悟到的真實，
Or In Times That He Cried
或他哭出聲的時候
In Bridges He Burned
用他燒過的橋，
Or The Way That She Died
或她死去的方式。
ALL
It's Time Now - To Sing Out
現在就是大聲出唱的時刻
Tho' The Story Never Ends
雖然這是個沒有結局的故事。
Let's Celebrate
讓我們慶祝吧！
Remember A Year In The Life Of Friends
牢牢記著好友們生活中的一年。
Remember The Love
牢牢記著愛
Remember The Love
牢牢記著愛
Remember The Love
牢牢記著愛
Measure In Love
用愛來計算
SOLOIST #1
Measure, Measure Your Life In Love
用愛來計算你的生活
Seasons Of Love...
愛的季節
Seasons Of Love
愛的季節
What an uplifting way to end a ranty purge entry. *laughs at self*
Full of randomness
This is supposed to be for LJ, but whateva.
I'll bet all that green clashes.
Soooo...any ladies want to go out with this guy?
Upon entering blogspot to write my entry, the announcements page informed me that a popular blogger by the handle of Breakup Babe is getting her blog-based book published by Random House. I said, "Way cool!" and went to check her out. Then out of curiosity I read some of the comments she received. This one's a gem, ladies, don't miss it. (The entry it was commenting on, incidentally, had to do with her experience as a poll worker in New Mexico this past election. Yeah, it's like, huh?):
Crap. Pure crap. I could get a book deal writing about crap as well. This reminds me of Sex and the City. Crap.
I'm sure the breakups were due to the notion of "you can't take this girl back to mother". Someone just to play with for a while but no one to make a serious commitment with.
The language. The addiction to sex. The lack of morals.
At least you have that book deal. I'm sure it will fill in all the holes you have.
For a while.
You reminded me of the type of women I broke up with.
Cheers!
Anonymous
Welp, there we go! I'm tempted to say that the women he broke up with were all probably secretly relieved that he was out of their lives forever, but that would be nasty of me, wouldn't it? I especially loved, "The language. The addiction to sex. The lack of morals." Whoo hoo! Because all men are the paragon of virtue! Men never ever think about sex! That's why they can carry condoms around and seem cool, while girls are prostitutes if they do the same! That's why if a woman dresses provacatively, she's "asking" to be raped because clearly, she's sexually promiscuous, but at the same time, the man who raped her must somehow NOT be sexually promiscuous because...well, I dunno, what's the reason, guys-who-think-this-way? Tell me!
And c'mon, you gotta laugh at the part where he says that some women are "just to play with for a while." Hmm. And if he's not talking about sex here, then what? Chess? So in other words, it's a-ok for this man to go have his little dalliances with women he "can't bring home to mother," but whoa, here's a woman who wants to have a lasting relationship, and suddenly she's addicted to sex? He probably can't take the girl back to mother because mother will start wondering why he's bringing home girls every week.
The comment reminds me, in its derogatory tone if not in exact topic, of this other man who emailed Margaret Cho with the enlightening advice, "If you're a woman, get a sex change." I wonder how he plans on, you know, propagating the human race.
Fortunately not all men are like this, because if they were, Homo sapiens sapiens would surely become extinct, for all of our "wise-wise" BS. Women would just throw up their hands and become lesbians. Sheesh.
Whapped in the face with nostalgia
I was looking at my Starlights poster, and man, I'd forgotten how much I used to love them. Still love them now, but in a fond sort of "Dang, I wrote such stupid stuff for them, they deserve better!" way. They were shortchanged in the manga (never reappeared in the end and died a ridiculously stupid death) and in the anime (attitude problems and melodrama, anyone?). To this day I'm still ambivalent on the whole "were the Starlights actually girls disguised as guys or girls who could turn into guys?" internal debate, since it was the former in the manga but the latter in the anime (WHY they got rid of Haruka's gender changing ability but decided to add it to the Starlights is a complete mystery to me).
I mean, those were some serious boobs these ladies had. How were they not visible under the tight male student uniforms in the manga? Was it just an illusion?
Well, whatever their gender-bending methods were, the Starlights are the group of characters who first got me into manga, into anime, into art and into writing. I really can't thank them enough.^^ I should really draw them again, now that I've gotten better than I was in 7th grade, so I don't just have craptacular fanart to look back on.^^
To this day I still hold that Sailor Star Healer is not only the prettiest (green eyes, dude, GREEN eyes! And silver hair!), but also has the coolest likes (she's a cat fan and takes photos. Can't beat that) . *nod* And she's got the BEST. Attack name. EVER. (Especially compared to poor Maker's "Star Gentle Uterus." Oh help.) I mean it's got the word "inferno" in it. And Chika Sakamoto's voice totally rules the attack.
But honestly, if Maker didn't have such a silly attack name, she's also pretty rockin', right up there with Healer, since she recites poetry and is the smartest person ever. But yeah, her attack name. Egad. And in fact, her name in general is kinda... I mean, Yaten translates to "night sky" and Seiya to "star field," but Taiki is anything from "great atmosphere" to "great chi (spiritual energy)" to, er, "big air." Great gas? XD Ok ok, it sounds neat in Japanese (though not as neat as "Yaten" XD) but since I also know Chinese, I can tell you "Taiki" sounds downright retarded in my native language. Poor Maker, second place in my heart because of your name!
Fighter...eh heh. I like her lots, really! But I wasn't very impressed by her personality in either the manga or the anime (too serious and bland in the former, too hung up on Sailor Moon in the latter). I do have an admiration for sporty tomboys though, seeing as I am World's Biggest Klutz next to any type of sport that involves throwing or kicking or copious running or hitting that doesn't involve a racket.
By the way, if you want a bit of history, my online handle (Yayoi KH) stands for Yayoi Kou Healer, since Yayoi was the "girl" name Di gave Yaten. At the time she claimed that Yaten sounded like a guy name and didn't fit when they were girls. Taiki became Tamaki and Seiya became Selina. Yes, we were fangirly geeks. At least I didn't call myself "Yaten_fan" or something ridiculously transparent like that.
And of course this entry means absolutely nothing to people who don't know Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, but hey. I'm sure you can feel the nostalgia spilling out of your computer screen.
說到水手之星的名子，「ファイター」的中文翻譯好像是法來特（有夠難聽。@_@）。「メイカー」的翻譯應該是美卡，而「ヒーラー」的是伊拉。唔。。。我還是覺得“伊拉”最好聼。^_^
-彌生
PS: Oh yeah, and on a totally unrelated note, I got to touch medieval illuminated manuscripts today in art history!XD Real parchment and real gold powder for paint and stuff! No vellum though, so I wasn't able to compare the quality difference between that and regular parchment, but wow. If it weren't for the fact that we'd be slaughtering inordinate amounts of sheep, I'd want all my books to be made of parchment. Dang.
I can angst in my mother tongue
It's like, practice and purge at the same time. What more could I need? (A 48 hour day, for starters.)
心情真的是越。來。越。差。越想越生氣，越想越難過。最好是不要想，可是又不能把頭腦關掉。 討厭這樣的自己，要改卻又覺得不服。感情總是那麽複雜，有時候真想當機器人。
。。。作功課吧。
**EDIT** Oh oh, but a good thing is that, to cheer myself up, I went to the bookstore and bought that hoodie-blanket thing I've been hankering after since...oh, the start of the school year! WITH my B&N giftcard, meaning I spent no money! And it's lovely and dark blue (I consciously steered clear of the grey this time. I keep buying grey things for some weird reason), and happily larger than I had dared hope it would be. XD And there's still money left on the giftcard for books!
Yayoi-who-is-posting-cuz-she-still-can't-focus-on-homework **END EDIT**
It happens to real people too!
I was reading this one scene that someone wrote, where a certain character (we'll call him S) had been waiting for another character (we'll call him A) to come back from something for 2 months, and found himself totally incapacitated in terms of doing work because he missed A. Then when A came back, he was all like, "Gee, all this guy ever does is distract me, how come I can do work so much better now that he's here?"
I just realized how much I am able to relate to that. And I also realized that while we coo about how cute S is in the story, people will look at my feelings right now and tell me I need to get over it, I need to stop depending on other people, it is just so uncool.
God, I'm comparing myself to a fictional character. I'm so fucked up. But you know, another part of me complains, "Why do you think you're so fucked up? If characters aren't meant to reflect parts of ourselves, if we can't find similarities in them, what good are they?" And I don't know the answer to that. I don't know which part of me is right.
I don't know what it is with me. I used to be a total loner (I still sort of am), and I went on for days without one person to speak to and I was totally ok. Now there's this void in my life that gapes wide open if just one single tiny part is missing, which leads me to think that this part isn't so tiny after all. Funny thing is, I'm not even in love. And this is only supposed to affect lovers. I guess I'm just a freak then, to put so much in something everyone else puts so little in. I mean I guess this is why no one ever agrees with me when I say I think friends are just as powerful as lovers, they just don't see "friends" the same way I do.
I'm being so stupid. But at the same time a part of me is arguing, "You know, you didn't think S was stupid when you read that scene." Maybe I should. Maybe we're all just complete morons, like Charon from Yami wa Tsudou so loves telling us mortals. Because really, we'd all be better off alone, but we keep coming back for more, second-guessing, wondering at our own importance, getting hurt over and over like the masochistic idiots we really are.
**EDIT** In my angst, I forgot about my daily Chinese: 媽今天回去之前叫我要買些植物，不然房閒太清淡了。我那時很想偷笑，因爲我的故事裏的其中一個角色的媽媽也說過同樣的話。（好像太多“的”字了。^^;） 果然，那真的是媽媽會講的臺詞。 **END EDIT**
**EDIT #2** I...I can't stop editing! Er, right, found this on someone's LJ.
If there is at least one person in your life who you consider a close friend, and who you would not have met without being part of an online fandom, post this sentence in your journal.
Er, I'm thankful for Slayers? ^_^ **END EDIT #2**
